Never have I so carefully considered and pondered – and teared over – a post.
One of our homeschool group Moms, RB, recently found out she has terminal cancer, and not long to live. Not long to hug her small kids. Not long to hold her husband.
I can’t help feelings of guilt, mixed with relief, at my own “free passes” – so far – with cancer. A lump in my breast a few years back turned out to be nothing. A lump in my throat, after 2 biopsies and surgery, turned out to be benign and is now thankfully gone. Compound that on all the things I got into as a teenager that I by no account should have survived, and it just seems my angels are working overtime. (But I bet my 9 lives are running low). Or, perhaps I simply still have a purpose to fulfill. But I can’t help on hearing about RB, and unfortunately now about a few others as well, realizing that at any point the news I received could have been dramatically different.
On the last occasion I faced the possibility of cancer, all I could think about is my kids and Hubby. How would he manage? Who would help him with the kids? Who would teach them all the things I wanted them to learn? Who would fight for them, hug them all day, buy them starbucks, homeschool my boys – be ME for them? How RB must have asked all these questions over and over, and more. How, she says, she has cried. And hoped. And found peace.
Bravely, RB recently gave a speech for 500 people entitled “Death is not Dying“. Here are her thoughts on the 4 things she has learned in life, and that hold true even now in facing her death.
Death is still foreign to me. Unfamiliar. A few of my granparents have gone, but I was only close to one of them, and too wrapped up in exams at the time to give it my full attention. Death has simply breezed past me and my close circle while others around me have dealt with it often, intimately, and severely.
I’m left to consider my purpose. To pray. To hope. Recently it came to mind for me to re-read “A Purpose Driven Life“. Then it was confirmed, as I read another blogger friend mention the same book. And so, off I go.
Meanwhile, my own petty discontents are put on hold. Never have I felt so much joy to hold my smallest as he screams in frustration at having been woken up a bit too soon. Never have I felt so much love as I walked away from my laptop to sit and do messy crafting with a growing Tt. Never have I so enjoyed a frappucino and a chat with my sweet, sweet girls as I did this week. Never have I been as excited to dig deeper into my own relationship with Jesus and seek to follow more closely my own purpose in life. For whatever time I am given here on earth.
Go forth and find your purpose.
Go forth and renew yourself in Him.