From the Mouths of Babes – Being a “cool” Mom

Mother-daughter relationships can be stressful. I have many girlfriends with girls who are DREADING the oft tense pre-teen/teen years coming up. I’m just SOoo fortunate to have a great relationship with both of my daughters, but then it’s been easy for me as they were so young and so thrilled to have a new Mom for their beloved Daddy when I came along. I’ve often been told that I’m the “cool Mom”. While flattering, I’m wondering what could possibly make an older, wrinklier version of your kids “cool”?

So, I asked them.

Mom: “So, would you consider many of your friends’ Mom’s cool?”

A – 14yrs old: “No. They’re nice, but they’re not really cool.”

B – 17yrs old: “<steph>’s mom. (I like her too). And two others. (I think they’re cool too). I don’t know many people’s moms.”

M: (to A) “None of them are cool?”

A: “They’re not really like you. (I didn’t even fish for that one!). I guess it’s because they’re older.”

M: “What makes a mom cool?”

B: “They talk to the kids, my friends. They joke around a lot. Not like in an “adulty” way.”

M: “Does it make a mom cool if she dresses at “teen” stores like Garage? Does that make her cool?”

A: “That’s kind of weird sometimes. Like if they look too young. Like, you wear nice stuff that’s cool. But like <susie>’s Mom who’s trying to be too cool, that’s kind of weird. There’s a difference.”

B: “It depends. If it’s one or two things, it can be ok, but otherwise they’re just wanna-be’s.”

M: “If she hangs out with your friends all the time, is that cool?”

A: “Depends how often.”

B: “No. Only once in awhile.”

M: “You don’t want some Mom around all the time.”

A: “No.”

M: “If a Mom is on facebook, is that cool or uncool?”

A: “Not everyone’s Moms. Only certain Moms.”

M: “So “cool” would be a balance of being there and not being there.”

A: “Yeah.”

M: “Do you think other Moms could be “cooler” or are they just “too old” (those were HER words, not mine!)?”

A: “Yep – they could be. They’re just too stressed all the time.”

M: “They could be cooler if they kind of just chilled and hung out, but only once in awhile.”

A: “Yeah.” (Teens love one-word answers, especially if they’re trying to do their homework, talk on Facebook, and answer Mom’s nagging questions to post on the internet for all to see…).

M: “What’s one thing that makes me SOOOOO cool? (Ok, now I’m fishing…)”

A: “You can relax, and you’re not such a strict Mom. I don’t know – I just compare you to the other Moms and you’re just so much cooler and nicer. And you die my hair for me (bright red streaks at that!). And you let us get piercings and you let us make our own decisions and stuff.”

M: “But I make you talk about all your decisions.”

A: “Yeah.”

M: “I like making you responsible for your own decisions though. It makes you more grown up.”

A: “And then when we’re older we’re not depending on other people to make our decisions for us still.”

M: “See? All grown up! Thanks for thinking I’m cool (and for being such a cool daughter). What can we tell Moms to so they can be a little cooler?”

A: “Let the kids make their own decisions, I think. And be more relaxed.”

M: “But talk about about their decisions together?”

A: “Yeah. And Moms that write blogs are cool (haha, A!). And Moms that read Teen Vogue and do their nails are cool (whew – good thing I did those tonight!).”

There you have it. Go forth and be cool.

Crafting Time – Part 2

More of the craftiness we had going on here when the girls were a bit younger (pre-teen to early teens). They still craft now, at 14 + 17, but their crafts have definately become more elaborate (read “EXPENSIVE”).

One day we had walked all the way down to the beach, and had decided to collect all kinds of rocks while we were there to paint and glue. The critters turned out pretty cool, but I think we should have used better glue than the hot glue sticks as the weight of the rocks was too heavy for some to stay together. We added magnets to the back and had them on our fridge.

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A few times we sat with a pad of paper and designed all sorts of silly clothes. Come to think of it, those times were all in ferry lineups… But it was fun! And some designs were completely off-the-wall. This is one of A’s sheets from when she was very young.

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We had these magnets on our fridge for ages. We had pressed tiny flowers, glued colored tissue and the flower to the back of a clear “rock” and added a magnet. Beautiful! I think our last one just recently broke (the magnet-to-tissue bond isn’t great if you pick up the magnets many times over).

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Shrinky Dinks! The girls and I did these ages ago – can’t remember what in the world we did with them… This past Christmas Tt drew a bunch of mini B/W pictures and we shrunk them and made earrings for all the girl sisters + cousins. They were actually a big hit!
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These cute little felt mittens on a ribbon adorned all our Christmas gifts one year. We wrote “to” and “from”‘s on the back of each mitten. Of course, they coordinated with our wrapping paper and Christmas tree theme .

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We (meaning the girls, really) painted these bird houses, although I’m not sure why – we’ve never bought bird food… They so suit each girls personality – A is colorful and bright, B is thoughtful and precise. We have them outside now, which I hate to do for the potential wear and tear!

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More to follow! We have not yet even BEGUN to craft… Mwuahhahaha.

Ser-VICE!

The club volleyball season that will suck up the next 3 months of our lives is, once again, upon us.
And now I’m sucking everyone else in with me.

Volleyball actually carries through the entire year now with very little reprieve between the school team, the club team and the beach team, between training, games and tournaments home and away – all multiplied by 2 girls. Dang good thing it’s mostly an indoor sport – soccer seasons were mostly COLD.

While I’m completely sold on the benefits of a little bit of team (or personal) sport for kids, especially for girls (keeps them outta the malls and, so far, keeps them too busy for the boys ), just driving to/fro and sitting/yelling, although I do those quite well, isn’t quite enough for me to get out of it.

My personal quest every season, every team, is to capture THE action shot.

Unfortunately I don’t exactly have THE best indoor action shot camera, but I doubt Hubby would let me spend $3,000.00 on a camera just to get volleyball pictures for my scrapbook.

Or, there is the possibility it’s not the camera, it’s just that I don’t know how to use it. The daylight/beach shots are definately easier to achieve.

Either way, these were the best few (out of 200!) from today. (Although the one above looks kinda funny with no ball in the picture… Like she was just very awkwardly “posing”).

It’s definately a bit easier to catch shots in warm-up – their moves are more predictable.

Well, on the challenge goes – 2 tournaments down, 8 to go…

Empty Nester, Phase 1.2

WOOHOO! I won’t be abandoned quite yet!

I just might survive Kid #1 “leaving the nest” afterall. She’s staying in town!
Our eldest, B, has been diligently applying to universities for September, and much to my personal, selfish, mothering relief, they’re all in town.

Oh, I know she could have – and probably should have – left town for a year or two to “get out on her own”. I even encouraged it. But that’s because I thought (and still think) it’s best for her, in her own life and situation, not because it’s at all what I wanted.

I know our family dynamics will still be changed forever once Graduation comes. But I can rest awhile also knowing she’ll remain nearby until I can learn to deal with the changes. Kids growing up can be stressful, man.

But she’s sure grown into a beautiful person.
Must get it from her Mom, along w/ her reddish hair .

Teenagers and MEDIA

Without the hardlined “Not in our house!” mantra, it’s pretty difficult to control teenagers exposure to all kinds of media that not only influence them and their actions/thinking, but also eat into precious family time. We’ve managed to find some happy agreements in our household, on most things. Here’s our take on it:

1. iPods : It’s “the thing to have” these days, and sometimes it’s hard to just say “no!” to these things, especially when they’re actually useful – and fun! My fear was that if we bought the girls their “own” iPods, they would be forever tuned out – headphones on, head down, no longer a part of this family (they have admitted they purposely do this to other people). Our compromise – a FAMILY iPod, that we can all download songs on (and Momma can keep an eye on what’s downloaded), and we can each take turns using when needed. Because seriously – nobody needs to be listening to anything all day long, every day.

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2. TV : WE CANCELLED CABLE!!! The girls both admit they actually don’t miss it at all. If we REALLY “need” to watch something, we can catch it on YouTube, get Gramma to “save” it on her Tivo for us or, in the case of hockey, catch it at a nearby pub. Otherwise, we buy a season’s DVD’s we think we’ll enjoy and watch it together, with NO COMMERCIALS – and actually turn it off when we’re done! The hours we save! We try to watch what the girls enjoy – Hubby even gets into Gossip Girl (what a trooper).

3. Movies : Well, the girls are getting older, and I can’t see every movie and rate it before they go. We’ve tried to teach them discernment early on, and now we just trust them to make the right decisions. At home, we have our own DVD library (some new, but most are off the “Previously Viewed” shelves) of movies we all really enjoy. Once a month or so we all sit down together and we make a huge batch of nachoes, fresh salsa and homemade guac and enjoy some family time. We used to call them “James Bond” nights, but we’ve since expanded our repetoire. Talking about movies you watch together can also be a great way to get into your teens mind and learn about them…

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4. Music : While I can’t oversee everything the girls hear, I try to listen to “their” radio station in the car with them, and I have my own favorites and talk to them about theirs. I think we have a very open communication about what we let our ears hear. I offer to buy their songs on iTunes (“we don’t steal, girls!”) and that way I can see what they’re buying, talk to them about it if it’s questionable, and REALLY talk to them about it if it’s just plain bad.

5. Facebook/MSN : We’ve had to, once or twice, put a time limit on “computers” for the girls. We reinforce that they need to make sure they’re balancing their life – time indoors, time out; time alone (computer), time with family, time with friends, time for homework. We’ve debated buying them their own laptops for their homework, but in the end I think that’s just giving them MORE ways to tune out from the people around them. We have a family laptop that is beside the kitchen, that we can see the screen of any time we happen to walk by. Done. And if I see the same boys name on the screen many times over, I know to start asking some questions…

6. Cell Phones : The girls have each had their own cell phone since Gr.8, which admittedly has been very handy. I haven’t figured out how to control the texting, though… Not that I mind, but when I’m talking, I prefer to be listened to, not kind of heard while you’re texting someone else. That said, I probably text more with each of the girls than any of their friends… They’re simply not as interested in actual talking – other people might HEAR! Anyone have more ideas on this one??

7. Videogames : This hasn’t been an issue since Gr.7. We have a Nintendo Game Cube, and a Wii, but usually when the girls play it’s with their friends over, or we’re ALL playing (can you say ROCKBAND!?) together. Back in Gr.7, though, we had to put a time limit on it. We told them that if they could manage their time themselves, it wouldn’t be an issue, but that if they were spending too much time on the computer/videogaming and not balancing their time, we’d have to start making some rules. That was enough – it never became an issue again.

8. Fashion Mags : A + I have a weakness for fashion mags! While I don’t get the impression she is overly influenced by body-type, it’s nice to sit together and read through the latest In Style or September Vogue and actually TALK about what catches her (or my) eye on each page. The 3 of us girls sit sometimes and we each pick a best/worst item (not person!) on every page.

Best of quality-time-with-your-teens to you all!

Travelling with Kids – Extra Advice

A few more things that have come to mind that we’ve learned while travelling with our Kids.

1. Plan. Have an itinerary. For Italy (and Paris before that), not only did we have an itinerary, we had addresses, maps and photos of each place we would need to find. It was a crazy amount of detail, but when you have 4 cranky kids and you don’t really know where you are or where you’re going, you need all the help you can get. Besides, photos of what your hotel looks like from the street, and a walking map from the train station to the hotel – it’s all available online nowadays.

(Our lose-it-and-we’re-screwed, EVERYTHING folder. It kept our passports, air tickets, train tickets, emergency information, stubs, souveniers, hotel confirmation numbers, detailed (!) itinerary – you name it, it was in what I lovingly called our “FOLDER OF FUN”, as in “KIDS!! Who’s seen the FOLDER OF FUN??? I left it RIGHT here!”)

2. Plan more. I had pre-researched a number of things to do in each city, with, of course!, maps and photos. Then we kind of went with the flow – if we wanted on the spur to visit a museum, I already had the hours, fees, directions all handy.

(The itinerary to beat all itineraries – even including how much a cab should cost (but didn’t…), check in/out times, maps between our hotels + the train stations, and sometimes what the hotel breakfast buffet would look like!)

3. Got milk? Foreign countries don’t drink milk. If your kids gotta have it, it’s best to try to find out ahead of time where your next milk will come from. We didn’t, and paid for it a few times. Next time I would pre-locate a number of supermarkets about each town. Also, we didn’t prepare for the 11 hr plane ride back home and, so everyone knows, airplanes don’t drink milk. Again, next time we’ll better prepare.

4. Be aware if you have an “Extra Kid”. I’ve learned over the years to treat Hubby as an “extra kid”, who rarely knows where we’re going, needs to have something also of interest for him, needs daily naps!, gets cranky without food… Generally, he needs all the same care, attention and concessions as the other 4 kids do. On holiday, he IS the 5th kid. (Which, you may realize, means it’s never really a holiday for ME.).

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Happy travels!